Communication, Relationships And The Power To Change

Communication, Relationships And The Power To Change

by

Michael Stiglitz, LMFT

In her poem The Speed of Darkness, Muriel Rukeyser states \”The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.\” While Rukeyser\’s position may seem extreme or even mystical it is hard to argue with the fact that we use stories to make order of our life experiences. We are telling ourselves stories all the time. Our inner monologue is a running story. Often when there has been ongoing conflict within a relationship partners disengage each other and participate in patterns of avoidance. To make matters worse, to protect ourselves our mind creates simple and often malicious stories about our partner and their motivations. And it is through this lens that we can come to believe we know what the other is thinking and how they will act.

One common story is that of the victim or martyr. In this story we depict ourselves as powerless before our partner\’s choices and behavior. Because of fear it is difficult to look at our role in maintaining unsatisfying and even abusive relationships. It is easier to blame another. While a partner plays some role in the dynamic, it is not the part that we can control or change. As adults we are not powerless in our relationships or to change. The story of powerlessness serves to absolve us from facing that which we are afraid of (i.e., abandonment, confrontation, disapproval, etc.). If we are seeking healing and healthy relationships we must be completely honest with ourselves about our role in maintaining dynamics that do not feel good or right. Our instincts are good and accurate. If we do not feel good about how we are being treated or how we are acting, we must take responsibility for taking care of ourselves to do things differently. We have the power to change and heal if we can be honest with and take responsibility for our own well-being.

Unless one is clairvoyant, one does not know what another is thinking. The stories we tell to ourselves about others when we are upset are generally too simple and do not give the other the benefit of the doubt. People are vast and complicated. Unfortunately, when we become angry we have a tendency to tell ourselves simple stories that cast the other as a two dimensional, malevolent caricature. These types of stories are static and generally serve to blame or be right. The \”proof\” of the rightness of these stories is collected with silent resentment and establishes and maintains disconnection.

If we seek to be connected to and understood by our partners, we must get out of heads and into the present by engaging them in dialogue. A step in this direction is to recognize the cases that we have built as simple stories that serve us, rather than as Truth about another person. Our thoughts about how others think and feel are speculation. If we want to know what our partner thinks or feels, the only way to find out is to ask them. In asking we open up a space to connect in the present with a real person. This can be quite scary because in engaging in dialogue we no longer control the story. Dialogue is a co-creation. We must decide if we are willing to give up the safety of familiar suffering, to take the risk of connecting and healing. If we are to change, we must be brave and honest with ourselves. This means taking responsibility for our part in maintaining stories that cause us pain. From this position we can invite others to do the same.

When we engage in dialogue in the present with the intention of understanding and being understood we put ourselves in position to co-create stories that work. To do this we must move away from what we believe we know and become curious explorers and collaborative narrative architects and builders with our partners.

Copyright (c) 2013 Michael Stiglitz, LMFT

Michael Stiglitz is psychotherapist who specializes in working with couples struggling with communication, individuals coping with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and families with young children. For more information about the practice and further material about communication and personal well being go to

michaelstiglitz.com

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